Numbness to the Current Situation

I keep telling myself that the best thing I can do for myself is sit down and write a good blog entry for the future, and more importantly for the present. I'll thank myself in 5 years when I come on here and laugh about my hectic last few days in France, and feel better now getting everything off my chest. But I can not do it. Besides the fact that I have no idea what to say, I do not know what I really feel or think. There is also nothing amazing or even worth happening here to talk about it.

It's is my second to last fell day in la belle France. The Robert's are schemeing something drastic because instead of speaking in French, they have all reverted in German. If they speak slowly, I might be able to understanbd but they have no intention of letting me know what they are planning. They slipped only once last Saturday when Leonie whispered her plans to Coline, and then began talking out loud about her fear of heights and how getting a hot air balloon would not be a good idea at all. But apparently with the recent thunderstorms erratically striking Burgundy, Hot Air Ballooning is out of the question. Since then, they have been much more careful, which is driving me mad. If there is anything I hate it is surprises. Well, I actually really like surprises, but I act like a complete moron when I am surprised. Example: For my birthday, I received tickets for a weekend in Paris. I did not believe my host parents until after 2 glasses of champagne, and by then I was too out of it to really think what had just happened.

I hate surprises.

But I also hate my seemingly bitter but lack of grasp upon myself and the current situation. This year I have really begun to understand how little I know about myself, and how I do things often that surprise even me. Maybe that is one reason why I really can not account for my attitude. I feel so detached from the world, but it is my own fault. I think a part of me realizes that even though I might be rather pleased to get going home, things will and can never be the same. First, I will never be able to come back to Fixin the way I am now, which I suppose is a good thing because I am not so sure many people like me very much. Second, leaving France is truly the end of an era.

Two era's actually.

The first is my roller coaster in France, my odd love-hate relationship with the country and everything that comes with it. But the second era is a bit bigger, more complex, and kind of chilling for me. I spent my Junior in Japan, my Senior year afraid to grow up, and a Gap Year in France finally accepting that fact that it is time. It is time for me to accept that I am not a little kid anymore, and to move past that stage in my life. France was my final level, and the moment I leave, I feel as though I leave behind my last memory of childhood.

Right now all I can think about is everything that has happened. And also trying to bury it in a giant hole in my heart and not think about it these last few days. Trying to numb it, and doing a somewhat good job at it.