Serial Goodbyer

You think at this point in my life, having gone away for two years, leaving behind a thing called my life, and saying goodbye to the people I know, I would be used to it by now. And I guess for the most part I am.

It is not quite so hard for me to say goodbye anymore.

Because, for the most part, these things are temporary. When I said goodbye to my parents before I set off to Japan for a year, I was so very upset. I did not think I could survive a year without my parents telling me what to do, peers telling me who I had to be, and my environment making me feel comfortable. But I did, and I began too realize just how very strong I am. So strong, in fact, that when it was time for France, I barely lifted a hand to wave at my parents while I skipped through the gate. It was not out of spite, it was because goodbye is only a temporary thing, so why even say it at all sometimes?

It is a little different leaving the host country though. In that sense, even though you may know that you will be back, usually you do not know when. And everything that you have come to love will be different. You will not be a kid anymore, living in a host families house, struggling with language, friends, and life. Next time, you won't have that love at first sight, honey moon period, or gradual growing bliss of the host country. It becomes just normal, everyday life, and that never fascinates people. Even after a long absence, the things I miss most about Japan and France are not the first wonder and amazement with the place, it's the family and the way of life, which really became my own.

I am off to College tomorrow, the next big adventure in my life. Meanwhile, I am here in Verona, New Jersey, letting go yet and again and saying goodbye. There are some people I should say goodbye to that I have not even seen since my Senior year. There are some people who may pat me on the back and wish me luck, tell me to stop by when I come home for vacation, or hug me and tell me how much they miss me. I feel numb when this happens. I do not even know how to react. I do not feel anything usually. Have I hardened myself so much against goodbyes, that I am indifferent to them? Or I have just accepted the fact that goodbye truly is not forever? Circumstances withheld, that is.

I think I am just a serial goodbyer, about to commit another goodbye.