All By Myself

Throughout my life, I have spent the better part of my daily day to day musings and happenings by myself. I run by myself, I curl up in a good book alone, I watch movies in my room with no the company of no one. My High School career was categorized by sessions of alone time, which I wittingly labeled, "Me Time." I embraced those few hours between my three jobs, studying for the AP tests, and preparing for a life in France for one year. It was in those hours where I would set off for a long relaxing run or go biking. Being Alone was beautiful and I looked forward to the moments of just being me.

But something changed within me while I studied abroad in France. Suddenly this much-adored 'Me Time' became a curse and a hurdle that I could not overcome. I did not make friends easily in France and being in the middle of nowhere- the beautiful lush endless green miles of fine Burgundy vineyard- came at a steep price. There is only so many times you can run and get lost in the woods, bike and enjoy the company of the just grapes, and be silent in a room with just one's thoughts. There is a very line between between being alone in a positive light and negative light, and I had quickly crossed the line into the negative light. Although I conquered much of the alone time with long trips and travel to see people I probably never would have gotten around to seeing without endless time on my hand, I suddenly developed a taste aversion to being by myself. The loner I had long developed into in personality abandoned me one afternoon, and has never since returned.

When I started college, being alone scared me enough to put myself out there on the market. I learned from my mistakes in High School and in France. My roommate Grace was my first project, and after some time, I can successfully say that she became my best friend. I also joined a social sorority, which surprised everyone who had ever  crossed my path in the past years of my life. I decided early on that at parties I had better learn to mingle than to stand in the corner observing. When Grace felt obligated to return home to her parents for the weekend, leaving me in our big empty dorm room, I would try to make her feel guilty.

"This is reckless abandonment!" I would declare. By then Grace had learned to ignore me, although at first, she grimaced and said, "it's only for the weekend..."

A lot has changed in me since I developed my aversion towards loneliness. I think this aversion has spawned by hatred towards Summer 2010 and the inevitable spans of being by myself. Even though I have two jobs, I have returned to a town where I a square peg in a round hole. My friends are spread out all over the United States of America- and I am sitting by myself entertaining my thoughts and trying not to be to glum about this lonely feeling I have.