Still Trying To Figure Out What To Do

Being back on the road traveling around the world again and I have begun to realize something a little bit troubling about myself. The fact of the matter is that I have a tendency to completely change my life for something what I deem very important in my life.

What I mean is that two days before I left France for the first time, I cried a little and told L R that all I wanted to be was normal. I wanted to be like her daughter Cha Cha, a fun-loving, smoking, drinking, average kid that thought more of having fun and less about what is going on in the world around her. I wanted to wear nice clothes and have lots of friends and drink alcohol and go to parties and not worry about what is going on Sudan, Japan, and politics in Europe.

My return to the United States brought me to Clemson University, where I immediately joined a sorority, made lots of friends, began drinking, and become normalized for lack of a better term. I changed my major from International Trade to Secondary Education. I figured since I as never going to leave the country, so why bother being in that kind of major. And something that used to terrify me... the idea of living in a white-picket fenced house with three kids and a golden retriever, become more realistic. I started dating boys that wanted that kind of thing, and never really imagined what it would be like to study abroad. I had so much fun Freshman year that I cancelled my plans to study abroad Sophomore year. All my money went into my sorority, buying adorable clothes, eating out, alcohol, and other fun things that made me what I considered a normal kid. I guess subconsciously I knew what I was doing. I was becoming an all-American girl. Normal. Which is what I truly wanted. Or at least it's what I thought I wanted.

Sophomore year changed all that. I moved on to my sorority hall, which I enjoyed, but I realized that it was not for me. I could not be a sorority girl 24/7. I could not lose my identity to sport letters at every occasion. Now, don't get me wrong. I do love my sorority and I would never change the great times I have had as a Theta, but it's not really who I am. When I moved off the hall, I, unfortunately, alienated several of my friends. I had to start over, which although this crushed me, ended up being the best thing for me. I refound myself in that previous semester. I become the same confused kid who's wings won;t allow her to stay on the ground for very long. I figured out that I was still me, the same girl that is still trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life while chasing Samurai and wearing French barets.

I am not entirely sure what the future holds for me. But I can not stay in South Carolina for the rest of my life. I realize now that I am too liberal, too curious, too unwilling to accept a marriage proposal or a job offer that I am not entirely sure will be right for me. I look in the mirror and realize the most important thing is to be happy, and not worry about what is expected or what is "normal." I'm currently on a great trip in Europe, and already planning another trip as soon as possible. I'm thinking Africa for Christmas.